Thursday, October 21, 2010

Road Rage

Okay, so while I'm driving I'm pretty good about not having road rage. I'll say, "Oh my gosh" every once in a while, and maybe the occasional, "Idiot" if they've almost killed me, but other than that, I'm pretty good about not lashing out. However, that doesn't mean I don't think pretty much EVERY person on the road is the dumbest person ever. Here are just a few rules I go by and expect everyone else to go by. Because, after all, everyone who's driving revolves around me, so I just thought I'd let everyone know the rules just in case they find themselves on the same highway, freeway, or neighborhood road as myself.

Rule #1- If I'm coming onto the freeway, please change lanes over to the left lane. I will need to merge onto the road you're driving on, and if you're there then I'll get pushed over into the wall and I may DIE.

Rule #2- If you know that there's an exit coming up in about a mile or so, please look to see if I have my blinker on ready to switch lanes so I can exit. I don't ever put my blinker on at the last minute, I try to get over, ready to exit, as late as a mile before the exit. If I have my blinker on and nobody lets me in, then I'll have to hurry up and switch lanes into the exit lane .2 inches before the actual exit and I may DIE.

Rule #3- If you're in the far right lane and I'm in the far left lane make sure I don't have my blinker on ready to move over into the middle lane before you do so. Don't worry, I'm staring at you making sure you're not going over as I'm switching lanes, so if by chance you miss this step, I'll be ready to swerve out of your way so I won't DIE. 

Rule #4- If you're in the front of the line at a stop light, please watch the stop light. That's your only job. You're the line leader! The line leader's ONLY JOB is to watch to see when the light turns green. If you can't handle having this job, please allow someone else to be the line leader. In this case, I won't DIE but I'll be really annoyed and I may just get out of my car, kick your butt and YOU may DIE.

Rule #5- The left lane is the FAST LANE. Left lane, fast lane. Repeat this to yourself as you're driving. If you find yourself in the left lane and people are passing you on your right-hand side (that's the hand that doesn't make the L with your thumb and index finger), then please, move over to the right lane. Left lane, fast lane. MOVE IT. Or you may DIE.

Rule #6- If you're driving the speed limit, or even 5 over the speed limit, and you see a cop, there is no need to slow down. NO NEED. Cops are out there to catch people who are SPEEDING. Just because in "speed limit" there appears the word "speed" this doesn't mean you are in fact speeding. The cop may pass you, pull out his gun, shoot you for being so dang slow, and you may DIE.

Rule #7- If I have my blinker on and I need to switch into your lane, even if it's in front of you because after all, I'm probably going faster than you are in the safest way possible, please don't speed up so I can't get in. There's no need for it. There's obviously a reason I need to be in your lane. I'm not doing this to piss you off. 

If you can't follow these simple 7 rules, then you, or someone around you, may DIE. No one wants that, unless you're the idiot that nobody else wants on the road.


cmshort said...

Peeing my pants.

Heather said...

This is SO true! Loved it.